I Didn't Know I Was Bullying

I used to pick on my friend, let's call her “Jane”, a lot. I first met her in kindergarten and we instantly became best friends. In the early years of elementary school she used to chase me around the playground, tackle me and kiss me. In the later years kisses turned into kicks in the shins with saddle shoes but through all of it we were still best friends. When we made it to junior high our friendship was on solid ground and we regularly hung out outside of school. We’d talk about every topic under the sun and were really close.

My friend Jane is a pretty free spirit and sees the best in people and situations. She’d often make comments or draw conclusions that to me, just sounded ridiculous so like any pubescent boy, I’d make fun of her. I would mostly make sarcastic remarks which made her feel even more stupid. I really never thought anything of it because we were such good friends and this continued into high school.

In high school, with my hormones raging at this point, I developed quite a crush on Jane. Nothing really changed in our friendship; it just continued to grow stronger. I’d support her in all areas of her life from school to sports to boys all the while continuing to make fun of her any time the opportunity presented itself. And in my mind, that was pretty much ALL the time. I really liked Jane so much and every chance we had to hang out and flirt we would. Years later she told me she was crushing on me too but sadly, nothing ever materialized romantically, as we continued to be best friends and I continued to pick on her.

We went to different colleges and stayed in touch even without the Internet since it wouldn't be invented for many more years. In fact, a group of us mailed an audio cassette to each other recording our own message and passing it along. I think I even made fun of Jane then too because at this point, that was just what I did.

By now I was definitely becoming an adult but that didn't change the way I treated Jane. She was my best friend and I’d do anything for her including “beat her down verbally” and make her feel like less of a person than she was. Well, one summer during college when we were hanging out, probably at the local pool we had snuck into after hours, Jane and I were having a serious conversation. We were talking about our futures and fears and what might happen after college. Then Jane said to me, “You know, you pick on me a lot and have for a long time. Why do you do that? Do you know it really hurts me every time you do it? You make me feel stupid and like an idiot and you've just been beating me down for so long. I really wish you wouldn't do it anymore.”

Jane really struck a nerve with me deep inside. I had no idea I was being so hurtful because I thought it was all in fun and friendship. But when she told me how much I had been hurting her and she was so sincere and vulnerable when telling me I knew instantly how wrong I've been for so long. I had no idea that I was bullying my best friend. Right then I stopped picking on Jane forever. She made me realize that breaking people down with negative verbal remarks was really just about me trying to overcome my own insecurities and feelings of shortcoming.

I've always been the type of person that when I make a decision I take action immediately. Sometimes the decision takes a long time to make and other times it is instant. From that moment on I stopped trying to make Jane feel worthless and I started being positive and supportive. Our friendship has lasted more than 20 years since that moment but I’ll never forget it and I’ll do my best to make up for it for the rest of my life.

Bullying can be physical, verbal or emotional. You can bully a stranger, a friend, a relative or even a co-worker. If only a bully could actually read this and understand how much they’re hurting another person. If they could only think about any person they actually do care about and think about how they would feel if someone was hurting them.

They say that “Sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you.” but really relentless name calling and negative remarks do hurt and probably for a lot longer than it takes a bone to heal. As an adult most, but not all, of this type of behavior ceases to occur. At least in my world it does because Jane taught me a lesson decades earlier. Still, you have a choice and “if you can’t say something nice, simply don’t say anything at all.”